Three years later

It's been a couple years since I last posted anything but today 30-year-old Ramane Green was sentenced to 15 years (minus the 3 years he's already served) for the murder of my birth mother, Ramona Hatton. My birth sister told via text on Tuesday that today would be he's day in court which brought up feelings of sadness, loss and frustration over the way she died all over again. Mr Green was able to plea down to manslaughter instead of murder. Apparently a key piece of evidence was missing to get a murder charge to stick. I wonder why he was there, how they knew each other and what happened that lead to her death. I think I might want to ask him.

Here's the link to he's initial arrest: http://www.wsoctv.com/news/news/state-regional/man-turns-himself-face-murder-charge/nQDLr/

On a brighter note, my younger (adopted) sister, Acacia has begun the search for her birth family and has used my blog as a guide on how to get started. I'm so excited for her journey and to be able to support her through this process. She's off to a strong start being that her adoption file had pages of information on her family, including medical history, her mannerisms as a baby, the parents thoughts on what type of home they wanted her to end up in. I'm so happy and blessed that we ended up in the same family and that my experiences can help guide hers.

Looking Back

It was about this time last summer that I found out that Mona had passed only a few days after our first and only conversation (see past post for more details). As I look back on this past year I'm reminded of how blessed I am in life and specifically in this journey. I'm overwhelmed by the amount of people reading this blog, sharing their stories with me and reaching out in support and comfort. I'm grateful for the gifts this journey has brought... The gift of speaking to my birth mom, meeting my half sister, niece and other relatives, strengthening the relationships with my adopted family, learning so much more about myself. I'm the type of person that loves bringing people together and creating experiences that provide human connection, meaningful interactions, great memories. I am reminded that I am small and that my story is only one of so many. I am humbled by my better understanding of grace, forgiveness and mercy.

The photo above is of my birth mother, Mona on either side of me in the middle. I think I'm in first grade in that photo and she must be around that same age range in her photos.

Smiles and Hugs

The trip went well and I'm so grateful that my Mom was able to be there with me. Ramona (my birth mother) was greatly missed. Enjoy a few photos!

Waiting for them to arrive...

Smiles and hugs

My niece and sister

My sister (half really but blood is blood). I'm happy we finally met!

SC Bound

Six inches of snow ruined yesterdays travel planes. My Mom's morning flight (flying from MI to SC) was cancelled and rerouted through Chicago then delayed so she missed her connection & ended up in NC 14 hours later. She was picked up there by my foster parents & driven the rest of the way. What a blessing! My first flight was cancelled and then the second flight as well. I ended up staying in a hotel airport and am now on a plane this morning instead. Yesterday was crazy... Today will be better!!

Its a beautiful day! I'm currently in NC waiting on my next flight to SC. Everyone is so friendly down here. Its refreshing! So many thoughts and feeling have been overwhelming me this past week but today everything seems still and peaceful. Thursday morning there were tears... tears of joy that this time has finally arrived... that for the first time in 29 years I will meet, see and touch people related to me by blood. I look forward to sharing photos and many stories, catching up on the past three decades and creating new memories. At the same time I have inevitable tears of sadness, knowing that Mona (birth mother) will not be there to see or touch. That realization is still as harsh, painful and fresh to me now as it was the day I first heard about her death.

I am thankful for this day, blessed to have this opportunity, encouraged by the love and support from family, friends and strangers. I am joyful and grateful for this feeling of peace today!

Travel Plans

Processing Ramona's death has came in strange waves and phases. My momentum to travel south to find and meet other relatives or get to know more about my background and history died with Mona.

I have been putting off making any plans to travel south for awhile. Not because I don't want to meet other blood relatives but because the one person I had been searching for will not be there to meet. I'm a pretty bold and daring person, not afraid to take risks or venture out into unknown territory usually. For some reason this journey has been such an emotional roller coaster in ways I could have never anticipated that I have recently felt the need to just stand still on the topic. Unfortunately for those in SC waiting to meet me the avoidance didn't seem fair. So two weeks ago I bought tickets to travel to SC with my Mom to stay with my wonderful foster family and meet my sister, niece and Mona's cousin who I've been in touch with. I have no idea what to expect but we'll take a bunch of pictures and update you all again soon! I have to admit that I'm anxious, nervous and only a little excited. Its slightly uncomfortable to meet people who have thoughts and memories of me that I was just too young to remember to or relate to. I think I'm more excited at this point to get it over with then to actually meet new people. I know that doesn't sound great but its honestly how I feel at the moment. I am however so grateful and excited that my Mom is coming with me! Having her along gives me more peace of mind, a sense of security and comfort!

Blood

Lots to share... Lots to be thankful for...

The letter, memorial program and photos were sent from my half sister who I've been in touch with  the past few months. I'll write more soon but wanted to share just this for now.

July 2012 - Life and Death

This was a month of life changing, monumental and overwhelming experiences. On Sunday, July 8th I spoke to Mona (my birth mother) for the first time. Once she realized it was me on the phone she told me everything in the first 20 seconds of the call that I think she had wanted to say for the past 29 years starting with "I love you. I love you. I love you. I'm so glad you found me. I'm so glad you don't resent me. I always wondered if you would look for me and hoped you would. I'm glad you're ok and that no one had hurt you. I'm glad you have a good family..." She talked and I silently let my tears fall as my friend Tiffany sat next to me on my living room floor. I barely got a word in the entire call. Mona talks so fast... so much faster then me if  you can imagine. She mumbles a little and repeats words and phrases. She was so excited to talk to me and a little nervous. I felt similar. She mentioned not being able to wait until the end of the summer to meet me (as I was planning to fly down with my Mom Labor Day weekend) because that was just too far away. She told me a lot of information like she was catching me up on her whole life. I listened and took notes, trying to keep up. During the 15 minute call she had gotten into a car and was being driven to get a check cashed so there was a lot going on and she asked if I could call back later. About 45 minutes later I called back and got her voice mail in which I told her (kind of happy that it was my turn to talk) it was so great to hear her voice and I would call her that Wednesday for her birthday.

Wednesday morning, July 11th I went to the hospital with my client/friend as her breathing coach/trainer as she went into labor to have her second son. I was so honored to be present and even asked by the doctor to assist her a little in this delivery. My client was amazing and seeing her son enter the world and take his first breath was a miraculous moment. I felt so connect to my client and her new son. It got me thinking about Mona and how much she had gone through to carry me, birth me and let me go. I was so grateful! I called Mona that evening to wish her happy birthday but her phone was disconnected.

Over the next couple weeks I called again a few times, eager to set a time to meet and talk to her again. Her phone seemed to be reconnected because it went to voice mail so I left some messages. After weeks of not hearing back my mom randomly googled Mona's name and was shocked to find that she had been murdered in her home just a day or two after I had spoke with her. I found that out today (Aug 8, 2012 at 11pm)... I'm shocked and still processing. I am feeling so many things right now as I reflect on the past 33 days and can only say at this moment a few things very clearly... I'm so glad I at least received her hand written letter and a chance to speak with her. Although I will never meet her in person in this life I am so blessed by the fact that we did connect. I am forever grateful for that.

I have a half sister I will reach out to tomorrow... the journey doesn't end here!

Touched by Her Words

Wow, there's so much to take in! I'm taking my time processing the letter I received Friday and blessed to have this outlet as a chance to share these thoughts with you all.

I'm touched by her words. Humbled by amount of unexplained emotions I'm experiencing over this 28 year distance from someone who has clearly loved me my whole life... Grateful for these moments already written in time... The pieces of a very intricate puzzle I can see all coming together to so beautifully... a true example of God's grace!

Mail Call!

Knowing that a letter was on its way I anxiously waited all week for it to arrive. Today I went as far as standing outside of the mail truck today waiting for the guy to come out with the mail, hoping that there was a letter there for me.... there was! A four page, hand written letter filled with smiley heart faces and I love you! It was yet another overwhelming part of this exciting journey as I analyzed the every detail of the letter, reading it over and over as I tried to take in all that she must have been feeling as she wrote to me. Twice she mentioned how thankful she was that I didn't resent her decision to give me up for adoption. She also told me that she took ballet and tap as a child and loved to dance, sing and swim. Apparently artistic talents run in my blood as I found out my Grandmother was also a dancer and vocalist and my sister (only two years older) is into photography and art. It fun to know these things!

The next two steps in this journey will be monumental... one being the process of arranging a time to meet which I'll probably have to do by calling her. I didn't really want our first interaction to be over the phone but continuing to go through a third party while arranging dates, times and location is as helpful as its been thus far, is getting to be a little much. Then step two which is actually meeting which I'm most excited about. I plan to try and speed up this process just a little by contacting the intermediary over the weekend to let her know of my plans in proceeding, having her tell my birth mom that I received her letter and will be getting in touch soon, coordinating schedules and searching for flights.

I am so grateful for all the love and support I've been getting along the way from my friends, family and a handful of people who I don't even know. My story is just one of so many and I'd love to continue to hear from you all. Feel free to share your stories, ask questions and make comments. I hope to have some pictures to add to this blog one we all meet! I'm so excited.

I am very blessed!

(happy tear)

Hello! My name is...

I finally had time to sit down and write the letter I had been thinking about ever since she called. This past month has been so crazy that i haven't had time to sit, let alone write something non work related. I didn't want to feel like I was just checking something off my to-do-list but actually feel inspired to write even if it was going to be very plain and simple. So i wrote:

Dear Mrs. H******,

I must start by saying Thank You… Thank you for giving me life and trusting that by giving me up you were gifting me with endless opportunities for greatness. I’ve grown up in a Christian home with two amazing parents who have been married now for over 35 years and two younger siblings who were also adopted. I spent most of my life dancing (ballet and modern mainly) and now own a business in the fitness industry. There’s so much to tell but I’d rather tell you in person. The most important things for you to know for right now are that I’m healthy, have a blessed life and most of all am grateful that I found you and so excited that you want to get to know me!

I would love to take a weekend towards the end of this summer to come down to SC and meet in person if you are comfortable with that. I prefer to meet in person first over speaking on the phone because I want to get the most out of this unique experience. Please let me know of some weekends in August or Sept that are best for you. I would like to continue to use S*******, the intermediary from Bethany Christian Services to help us connect and coordinate a time and place to meet. Please contact S*******, who you’ve already been in touch with to let her know when you receive this letter. I have included a recent picture of me. I look forward to hearing from you and meeting you soon!

Sincerely,

Kendra

“Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be” Psalms 139:16

I included a few pictures of me over the years and mailed it off to Bethany Christian Services today. In the process of writing this letter on Friday it turned out that my birth mother called the intermediary to see if she had heard from me and to let me know she loved me. I was grateful to hear that she's waiting to hear from me and more grateful to hear a "tell her I love her" from her even if it was through a third party. I was very overwhelmed and quickly started wondering what she must be thinking as she waits to hear from me.

SHE CALLED...

SHE CALLED!!! Friday morning I got a call from the Intermediary who said she had just gotten off the phone with my birth mother. I was so shocked and listened very carefully to every word. My birth mother told the Intermediary person that she was very excited when she got the certified letter, convinced that it was me who was looking for her. She first called her daughter (who's two years older then I am) saying "I think your sister is looking for me". Then she went on to say that she has thought about me for years, wondered what I looked like, how I turned out, that she thought about looking for me but didn't because she didn't know how to go about it and thought that I might resent her. I don't resent her at all... I'm so grateful for the life I've lived and the choice she made to give me life. I was in tears listening to the Intermediary tell me about her conversation. My birth mother asked if I would be interested in meeting and having a relationship with her and my half sister. The Intermediary asked me how I wish to proceed. I was still in shock at that point and told her I would have to take some time to take all this information in before I could make any clear decisions. I was overwhelmed with excitement. I was flooded with new feelings, questions, thoughts, emotions but mostly I'm relieved! I'm just so grateful and relieved that she wants to meet me!

Intermediary Connections

It has been awhile since I've posted anything new so its time for an update because a ton has happened in just the past 48 hours or so. Let me start with a couple months back when I reach out to my adoption agency to get their advice on how to proceed in this search... I let them know that I had phone numbers, addresses, even a picture and sent them the link to this blog so that they could know what I knew. I was stuck because I wanted to respect my birth mother and approach her in a way that wouldn't be too much of a surprise or feel like an invasion. I wanted to be sure she wanted to be found after all these years. My adoption agency connected me with someone who would serve as a third party in helping me connect with my birth mother. They sent the generic letter below to her last known address (some of the information has been hidden).

Dear Mrs. H,

Bethany Christian Services is a non-profit social services agency.  I am a Confidential Intermediary with Bethany and have been requested to conduct a search for a person by the name of Ramona H. whose birth date is July 11, 1953 and who had contact with our agency in 1982/1983.

If this information pertains to you, I would greatly appreciate the opportunity to speak with you.  If this information does not pertain to you, I would appreciate knowing this as well.  I can be reached at the information below and at the address on this letterhead.  If you receive my voicemail, please leave your name, number and the time at which it is best to reach you.  Thank you and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

BETHANY CHRISTIAN SERVICES

Confidential Intermediary/C.A.R.E.S. Program

Weeks went by with no reply. They then resent the same letter as a certified letter about a week and a half ago and my birth mother called!

Does She Think of Me on Sept 13?

Lately I've been thinking about what my next move should be. I'm open to suggestions... I know for sure that I want to meet my birth mother but I want to go about it with in the right way. Is there a right way? I do I reach out or connect with her in a way that doesn't feel caught off guard. I want to know if she wants to meet me. I was thinking that finding my half sister could give me better insight as to how to best reach out to my birth mom. Plus I think that she might be an interesting person to meet. It looks like I might have to plan a trip to South Carolina in the near future!

Today is my birthday and for the first time that I can remember I'm wondering if she thought of me today. I wonder if she thinks of me every year on Sept 13. I feel like the thought or feeling would be unavoidable for her on some level. Hopefully someday I'll find out!

A picture is worth a thousand words...

I know that a lot of you have been on the edge of your seats wondering if I'm going to post the picture of my birth mother. Many people have been reaching out to me directly to find out how i felt about seeing her face for the first time. I've been taking a very long time to process my thoughts about this since there are just too many thoughts to process. As far as I know I have never laid eyes on someone related to me by blood until I saw this picture a few weeks ago. Never, until now have I been able to truly analyze my features and compare them to that of the woman who gave me life. It was a lot to take in.

At first glace I thought "she doesn't look anything like me". I was immediately disappointed because I wanted to look unmistakably like her rather then resemble the man who raped her. I took a picture of myself using my web cam and cropped it to lay next to hers. Only then did i start to see the similarities. Same brow line, cheek bones, bottom lip, complexion and overall shape of the face but different hair texture and very different eyes. There has always been two main things I've struggled with liking about myself throughout my life. Funny enough, without actually knowing who to blame these "flaws" on I always chose to blame them on him not her... My hair type and overall body frame seems to be his. i always wanted the long hair and ballerina body and ended up with crazy hair and a bodybuilders body instead. Now, after 28 years I know where that came from. I also now understand why she (as stated in my adoption report) had a hard time cuddling me ... I probably reminded her too much of him.

After a lot of thought and careful consideration I've chosen not to post the picture for her privacy since its not really public record. Even though its a mug shot photo and she clearly looks aged most likely due to her life experiences she's stunning!

I think the next step is going to be to search for my half sister. Although I have no name or information on her I think that finding her first might be a better way to eventually approach my birth mother or at least find out even more about her. Even though I have a name, recent address and current photo of my birth mother I don't want to catch her off guard. If I find out that she doesn't want to meet me when it comes down to it, I'll respect that choice. I hope that she wants to meet me since all i really want to say is "thank you for life".

Needed a moment...

I had taken a break from searching for a little while to focus on other things going on in my life and had lost momentum due to the loss of a close friend (no death, just a loss)... UNTIL this morning when my Mom called me to tell me that she had just got off the phone with my Foster Mother, who found (through a friend of hers) a photo of my birth mother. I was shocked! My heart started racing as I stopped to process the news. Seeing a picture would answer so many questions for me about her and about myself. The link to the picture is in my email inbox waiting to be opened. I needed to blog first and let you all know about my anxious thoughts before opening that email and looking up that link. I've always wondered if i looked like her... I often (maybe even a few times a month depending how much I'm out in public) get the question "What are you?" referring to my nationality... or the statement "You look just like (someone they know or usually its Alicia Keys)... What are you mixed with?" ... I awkwardly reply "Well, I'm adopted so I don't know anything more then that I'm African American. They then almost always give me a sideways look and say "Really? You've got to be mixed with something else too". People are funny! These days it seems that we're all mixed with something :) Sometimes I tend to check the "Other" box when I fill out forms just to mix it up a little. Seeing this picture won't necessarily give me any answers to those peoples questions but it will let me know who's eyes I have, who's build or body structure, who's nose or hair.... Those are the things I'm curious about.

The Unborn Baby Cries

The Unborn Baby Cries: Part I

            Every time she cries, I cry. When she’s hurting, I feel her pain. We are both scared and unsure of what tomorrow might bring. The day he raped and beat her was the day I was conceived. Unwanted from the very beginning is hard for me to believe. Although she doesn’t want me we are connected in every way, bonded together by a force so deep that she could not push me away. I continue to grow inside her, getting bigger by the day. Although feeling very weak because she won’t eat everyday. Why are things so hard for her? Why can’t I understand what’s wrong? Why do I feel like I am not important to her? My love for her hasn’t changed; she’s the only thing I’ve ever known, why then do I feel so separated? I’m not sure what’s going on…

            What’s the loud sound? Why is her heart beating so fast? The sound stopped, something hard bumped up against my feel. I wish I knew what was going on and why I feel so weak. That sound starts up again, only now it’s much closer. I feel a strong force and my little limbs begin to hurt. I’m not strong enough to get away, plus I have nowhere to go. All I can do now is scream and cry and remain unheard as I say goodbye.

The Unborn Baby Cries: Part II

Every time she cries, I cry. When she’s hurting, I feel her pain. We are both scared and unsure of what tomorrow might bring. The day he raped and beat her was the day I was conceived. Unwanted from the very beginning was hard for me to believe. Although she didn’t want me we are connected in every way, bonded together by a force so deep that she could not push me away. I continued to grow inside her, getting bigger by the day. Although feeling very weak because she wouldn’t eat everyday. Why are things so hard for her? Why can’t I understand what’s wrong? Why do I feel like I am not important to her? My love for her hasn’t changed; she’s the only thing I’ve ever known, why then do I feel so separated? I’m not sure what’s going on…

            Will I live to see the outside world or will my life be taken away? We cry through nights together as this decision of life or death remains so vague. Until one day she cried out to God for help. He told her that He has a plan and that it is not time for my life to end. I was brought into this world on September 13, 1982, to share my gifts, testimony and the importance of life with you! “I give my all to God, for he spared my life”.

Inspired by Psalm 139:16

“Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”

Kendra Gail - Nicaragua 2000

Overwhelming Amounts of Information

A few weeks back I received a three page adoption summary in the mail from my adoption agency. I had previously read a one page summary years ago that was given to my parents from the case worker when I was adopted however this recent summary I received was so much longer with more details then I had available to me before. I've been sitting on this information for weeks because it brought up thoughts and feeling I just wasn't ready for and needed some time to process before sharing it with the world. If you been reading my earlier post you are up to date so lets add to the list of facts:

• My birth mother was born on July 11, 1953
• She's 5'6 and weighed 125 lbs back in 1982
• She was married, separated and then recently divorced around the time I was born
• I was her third child. Her first died at 3 months and the second was raise by her mother
• Her religious background was that of the Church of God
• She was an only child who's Father died when she was two and was raised by her mother
• Received her GED and graduated from a nursing assistance program
• Involved in drugs after separating from her husband
• Didn't report the rape but stated that she was raped by a large black man
• She couldn't afford an abortion
• During the 5 months I lived with her she seemed to genuinely cared for me but could never cuddle me
• In March 1983 she officially released her parental rights

To some these details might not seem like much but to me it was a lot to take in. It gave me some insight to her life before 1982.

The main things that I didn't know which really stood out to me was that I was her third child, that she was 125 lbs and that she couldn't cuddle me. I wonder if loosing her first child had a direct impact on her choices for the next two. I rock myself to sleep and have done so for as long as i can remember. I've been told that comes from not being held enough within the first year of my life so it was interesting to find out that she couldn't cuddle me. I can only imagine that it would be hard to cuddle a someone who reminds you of a horrible event or very hard phase in ones life. The fact that she was 125 lbs makes me think that I might not look a lot like her or maybe I just don't have her build because I'm NOT 125 and only have been once since maybe 5th grade.

When I was 17 I had moved to Nicaragua and was placed in a creative writing class at school. I was in a new country, didn't really speak the language and didn't know very many people. It was the first time in my life that I remember missing my birth mother. Of course I missed my whole family back in MI but it was a new feeling for me to miss someone i had no memory of. I reflected on what little information I knew about her at that time and wrote a poem called The Unborn Baby Cries. I wanted to tap into what a unborn child might be experiencing in the womb of a mother who was raped and trying to decide whether or not to give life to the fetus inside. I learned that an unborn baby can feel or experience love and neglect. I'd like to share that poem with you all in my next post!

What a difference a name makes :)

Wow what a difference a name makes... Yesterday the post adoption specialist at the Grand Rapids branch of Bethany Christian Services Adoption Agency gave me whatever information they had in my file which was:
My birth mothers name: Ramona B. H.
My original name: Chanda Charesma H.
Last known city: Liberty, SC 1980's
They're also sending me a copy of my adoption summary which I had but lost. Excited about this new information, I immediately google searched her name and found nothing, did a public record search and found a lot: 11 addresses, one phone number, date of birth and criminal records to list the valuable things. After about two hours of online searching I called my best friend, my mom and then talked to my roommate before going to bed to process all this new information.

What am I going to do know with all this new information? I'm open to suggestions and creative ideas from you all! Today I plan to contact the Greenville, SC branch of the adoption agency to see if they have any useful information or tips on how to proceed. I want to somehow verify the information I received from the public records and see if there's a way to find picture of her. My mom informed me last night that when I was born there was a birth announcement listed in the local paper to give the birth father a chance to claim be before I was adopted and its probably archived somewhere in that towns local library. It would be interesting to have that. In the 90's she was arrested twice (once for receiving stolen goods and the other for prostitution) which would explain why the 11 addresses are listed as public record. I'm assuming that a parole officer or someone in that line of work would have to account for her whereabouts for a certain number of years. Finding out that she had a prostitution offence in 1990 was the only piece of information that shook me a little. I felt immediately concern for the lifestyle she had been living and maybe still is (hopefully not) and then extremely grateful that although it appears that she's made a series of poor choices in her life giving me up was not one of them!

Family and friends, I'm open to any advice you might have. Maybe some of you out there have gone through this already or know someone who has... Its helpful and encouraging for me to hear your stories. I'd love to know all that you know in regards to the post adoption process. For those of you who know me personally or are a direct part of my story please share your thoughts, memories and any useful information you might have to help me push forward in this search process. Thank you all for your love, support and in being apart of my journey!

Its an empty file but at least there's no denial!

I filed a clearance request with the Central Adoption Registry in Lansing, MI in order to find out if either of my birth parents filed a consent or denial with the registry which they did not. Bethany Christian Services has informed me that since there is not a denial filed they can now release to me names and last know addresses of my birth parents. I called them today and will be getting that information over the phone tomorrow.

Let me catch you up on what I know so far:

• I was born in Greenville General Hospital on Sept. 13, 1982
• I was placed in a foster home as planned
• My birth mother took me back a couple months after for a short time but I ended up back foster care.
• The second foster family I was placed with (who are amazing people that I'm blessed to still be in touch with) I was with for 9 months before being adopted at 14 months old by David and Melanie Beelen
• I moved to Grand Rapids, MI which is where I spend the next 18 years
• In my pre-teen years I was allowed to read my adoption summary which informed me that my birth mom was raped, had a drug problem, was a dancer (not sure what type) and a previous daughter who was being raised by her mother.

There's a lot more to the story of course but I just wanted to give you a quick run-through. Adoption has always been an open topic in my family being that myself and my two siblings are adopted. We were always taught to be proud of who we are which has become easier as I've gotten older. I've been extremely blessed with the family I was adopted into.

Now that I'm getting names and addresses (current or not) its making this process more real. I know that I have a long way to go but having the "legal ok" is encouraging!

The Waiting Game...

The paperwork was mailed weeks ago and I'm just waiting to see if there's any useful information in my file that will help me find my birth mother. While I wait I've been searching online, reaching out to anyone that may know more then I do, looking for original hospital records and sorting through my own feelings and questions. My main question is "does she want to be found?" and if she doesn't want to be found would that stop me from looking in the hopes that she might feel different now that its 28 years later. I'm not looking to catch up on the past 28 years, invade her current life or even create an ongoing relationship if its not wanted. I just want to thank her and get some medical history if possible. I am curious to know if we look alike, have some similar behaviors or movement patterns. Its interesting that although I've always been grateful for her I've never thought to pray for her... never really cared whether or not she's healthy, safe, alive or even just ok until now. Lately I find myself consumed with thoughts of her, wondering about things that have never crossed my mind before. The more scenarios I come up with about who she might be or how she could be living her life the more thankful I am for being adopted into such an amazing home and being raised by two parents who love me abundantly!

It should be only another week or two before I should hear back about the closed file and whether or not there's anything inside. Until then I productively wait. Stay tuned for a full yet breif report of my history :)