Blood

Lots to share... Lots to be thankful for...

The letter, memorial program and photos were sent from my half sister who I've been in touch with  the past few months. I'll write more soon but wanted to share just this for now.

July 2012 - Life and Death

This was a month of life changing, monumental and overwhelming experiences. On Sunday, July 8th I spoke to Mona (my birth mother) for the first time. Once she realized it was me on the phone she told me everything in the first 20 seconds of the call that I think she had wanted to say for the past 29 years starting with "I love you. I love you. I love you. I'm so glad you found me. I'm so glad you don't resent me. I always wondered if you would look for me and hoped you would. I'm glad you're ok and that no one had hurt you. I'm glad you have a good family..." She talked and I silently let my tears fall as my friend Tiffany sat next to me on my living room floor. I barely got a word in the entire call. Mona talks so fast... so much faster then me if  you can imagine. She mumbles a little and repeats words and phrases. She was so excited to talk to me and a little nervous. I felt similar. She mentioned not being able to wait until the end of the summer to meet me (as I was planning to fly down with my Mom Labor Day weekend) because that was just too far away. She told me a lot of information like she was catching me up on her whole life. I listened and took notes, trying to keep up. During the 15 minute call she had gotten into a car and was being driven to get a check cashed so there was a lot going on and she asked if I could call back later. About 45 minutes later I called back and got her voice mail in which I told her (kind of happy that it was my turn to talk) it was so great to hear her voice and I would call her that Wednesday for her birthday.

Wednesday morning, July 11th I went to the hospital with my client/friend as her breathing coach/trainer as she went into labor to have her second son. I was so honored to be present and even asked by the doctor to assist her a little in this delivery. My client was amazing and seeing her son enter the world and take his first breath was a miraculous moment. I felt so connect to my client and her new son. It got me thinking about Mona and how much she had gone through to carry me, birth me and let me go. I was so grateful! I called Mona that evening to wish her happy birthday but her phone was disconnected.

Over the next couple weeks I called again a few times, eager to set a time to meet and talk to her again. Her phone seemed to be reconnected because it went to voice mail so I left some messages. After weeks of not hearing back my mom randomly googled Mona's name and was shocked to find that she had been murdered in her home just a day or two after I had spoke with her. I found that out today (Aug 8, 2012 at 11pm)... I'm shocked and still processing. I am feeling so many things right now as I reflect on the past 33 days and can only say at this moment a few things very clearly... I'm so glad I at least received her hand written letter and a chance to speak with her. Although I will never meet her in person in this life I am so blessed by the fact that we did connect. I am forever grateful for that.

I have a half sister I will reach out to tomorrow... the journey doesn't end here!

Touched by Her Words

Wow, there's so much to take in! I'm taking my time processing the letter I received Friday and blessed to have this outlet as a chance to share these thoughts with you all.

I'm touched by her words. Humbled by amount of unexplained emotions I'm experiencing over this 28 year distance from someone who has clearly loved me my whole life... Grateful for these moments already written in time... The pieces of a very intricate puzzle I can see all coming together to so beautifully... a true example of God's grace!

Mail Call!

Knowing that a letter was on its way I anxiously waited all week for it to arrive. Today I went as far as standing outside of the mail truck today waiting for the guy to come out with the mail, hoping that there was a letter there for me.... there was! A four page, hand written letter filled with smiley heart faces and I love you! It was yet another overwhelming part of this exciting journey as I analyzed the every detail of the letter, reading it over and over as I tried to take in all that she must have been feeling as she wrote to me. Twice she mentioned how thankful she was that I didn't resent her decision to give me up for adoption. She also told me that she took ballet and tap as a child and loved to dance, sing and swim. Apparently artistic talents run in my blood as I found out my Grandmother was also a dancer and vocalist and my sister (only two years older) is into photography and art. It fun to know these things!

The next two steps in this journey will be monumental... one being the process of arranging a time to meet which I'll probably have to do by calling her. I didn't really want our first interaction to be over the phone but continuing to go through a third party while arranging dates, times and location is as helpful as its been thus far, is getting to be a little much. Then step two which is actually meeting which I'm most excited about. I plan to try and speed up this process just a little by contacting the intermediary over the weekend to let her know of my plans in proceeding, having her tell my birth mom that I received her letter and will be getting in touch soon, coordinating schedules and searching for flights.

I am so grateful for all the love and support I've been getting along the way from my friends, family and a handful of people who I don't even know. My story is just one of so many and I'd love to continue to hear from you all. Feel free to share your stories, ask questions and make comments. I hope to have some pictures to add to this blog one we all meet! I'm so excited.

I am very blessed!

(happy tear)

Hello! My name is...

I finally had time to sit down and write the letter I had been thinking about ever since she called. This past month has been so crazy that i haven't had time to sit, let alone write something non work related. I didn't want to feel like I was just checking something off my to-do-list but actually feel inspired to write even if it was going to be very plain and simple. So i wrote:

Dear Mrs. H******,

I must start by saying Thank You… Thank you for giving me life and trusting that by giving me up you were gifting me with endless opportunities for greatness. I’ve grown up in a Christian home with two amazing parents who have been married now for over 35 years and two younger siblings who were also adopted. I spent most of my life dancing (ballet and modern mainly) and now own a business in the fitness industry. There’s so much to tell but I’d rather tell you in person. The most important things for you to know for right now are that I’m healthy, have a blessed life and most of all am grateful that I found you and so excited that you want to get to know me!

I would love to take a weekend towards the end of this summer to come down to SC and meet in person if you are comfortable with that. I prefer to meet in person first over speaking on the phone because I want to get the most out of this unique experience. Please let me know of some weekends in August or Sept that are best for you. I would like to continue to use S*******, the intermediary from Bethany Christian Services to help us connect and coordinate a time and place to meet. Please contact S*******, who you’ve already been in touch with to let her know when you receive this letter. I have included a recent picture of me. I look forward to hearing from you and meeting you soon!

Sincerely,

Kendra

“Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be” Psalms 139:16

I included a few pictures of me over the years and mailed it off to Bethany Christian Services today. In the process of writing this letter on Friday it turned out that my birth mother called the intermediary to see if she had heard from me and to let me know she loved me. I was grateful to hear that she's waiting to hear from me and more grateful to hear a "tell her I love her" from her even if it was through a third party. I was very overwhelmed and quickly started wondering what she must be thinking as she waits to hear from me.

SHE CALLED...

SHE CALLED!!! Friday morning I got a call from the Intermediary who said she had just gotten off the phone with my birth mother. I was so shocked and listened very carefully to every word. My birth mother told the Intermediary person that she was very excited when she got the certified letter, convinced that it was me who was looking for her. She first called her daughter (who's two years older then I am) saying "I think your sister is looking for me". Then she went on to say that she has thought about me for years, wondered what I looked like, how I turned out, that she thought about looking for me but didn't because she didn't know how to go about it and thought that I might resent her. I don't resent her at all... I'm so grateful for the life I've lived and the choice she made to give me life. I was in tears listening to the Intermediary tell me about her conversation. My birth mother asked if I would be interested in meeting and having a relationship with her and my half sister. The Intermediary asked me how I wish to proceed. I was still in shock at that point and told her I would have to take some time to take all this information in before I could make any clear decisions. I was overwhelmed with excitement. I was flooded with new feelings, questions, thoughts, emotions but mostly I'm relieved! I'm just so grateful and relieved that she wants to meet me!

Intermediary Connections

It has been awhile since I've posted anything new so its time for an update because a ton has happened in just the past 48 hours or so. Let me start with a couple months back when I reach out to my adoption agency to get their advice on how to proceed in this search... I let them know that I had phone numbers, addresses, even a picture and sent them the link to this blog so that they could know what I knew. I was stuck because I wanted to respect my birth mother and approach her in a way that wouldn't be too much of a surprise or feel like an invasion. I wanted to be sure she wanted to be found after all these years. My adoption agency connected me with someone who would serve as a third party in helping me connect with my birth mother. They sent the generic letter below to her last known address (some of the information has been hidden).

Dear Mrs. H,

Bethany Christian Services is a non-profit social services agency.  I am a Confidential Intermediary with Bethany and have been requested to conduct a search for a person by the name of Ramona H. whose birth date is July 11, 1953 and who had contact with our agency in 1982/1983.

If this information pertains to you, I would greatly appreciate the opportunity to speak with you.  If this information does not pertain to you, I would appreciate knowing this as well.  I can be reached at the information below and at the address on this letterhead.  If you receive my voicemail, please leave your name, number and the time at which it is best to reach you.  Thank you and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

BETHANY CHRISTIAN SERVICES

Confidential Intermediary/C.A.R.E.S. Program

Weeks went by with no reply. They then resent the same letter as a certified letter about a week and a half ago and my birth mother called!