I know that a lot of you have been on the edge of your seats wondering if I'm going to post the picture of my birth mother. Many people have been reaching out to me directly to find out how i felt about seeing her face for the first time. I've been taking a very long time to process my thoughts about this since there are just too many thoughts to process. As far as I know I have never laid eyes on someone related to me by blood until I saw this picture a few weeks ago. Never, until now have I been able to truly analyze my features and compare them to that of the woman who gave me life. It was a lot to take in.
At first glace I thought "she doesn't look anything like me". I was immediately disappointed because I wanted to look unmistakably like her rather then resemble the man who raped her. I took a picture of myself using my web cam and cropped it to lay next to hers. Only then did i start to see the similarities. Same brow line, cheek bones, bottom lip, complexion and overall shape of the face but different hair texture and very different eyes. There has always been two main things I've struggled with liking about myself throughout my life. Funny enough, without actually knowing who to blame these "flaws" on I always chose to blame them on him not her... My hair type and overall body frame seems to be his. i always wanted the long hair and ballerina body and ended up with crazy hair and a bodybuilders body instead. Now, after 28 years I know where that came from. I also now understand why she (as stated in my adoption report) had a hard time cuddling me ... I probably reminded her too much of him.
After a lot of thought and careful consideration I've chosen not to post the picture for her privacy since its not really public record. Even though its a mug shot photo and she clearly looks aged most likely due to her life experiences she's stunning!
I think the next step is going to be to search for my half sister. Although I have no name or information on her I think that finding her first might be a better way to eventually approach my birth mother or at least find out even more about her. Even though I have a name, recent address and current photo of my birth mother I don't want to catch her off guard. If I find out that she doesn't want to meet me when it comes down to it, I'll respect that choice. I hope that she wants to meet me since all i really want to say is "thank you for life".
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