Looking Back

It was about this time last summer that I found out that Mona had passed only a few days after our first and only conversation (see past post for more details). As I look back on this past year I'm reminded of how blessed I am in life and specifically in this journey. I'm overwhelmed by the amount of people reading this blog, sharing their stories with me and reaching out in support and comfort. I'm grateful for the gifts this journey has brought... The gift of speaking to my birth mom, meeting my half sister, niece and other relatives, strengthening the relationships with my adopted family, learning so much more about myself. I'm the type of person that loves bringing people together and creating experiences that provide human connection, meaningful interactions, great memories. I am reminded that I am small and that my story is only one of so many. I am humbled by my better understanding of grace, forgiveness and mercy.

The photo above is of my birth mother, Mona on either side of me in the middle. I think I'm in first grade in that photo and she must be around that same age range in her photos.

Smiles and Hugs

The trip went well and I'm so grateful that my Mom was able to be there with me. Ramona (my birth mother) was greatly missed. Enjoy a few photos!

Waiting for them to arrive...

Smiles and hugs

My niece and sister

My sister (half really but blood is blood). I'm happy we finally met!

SC Bound

Six inches of snow ruined yesterdays travel planes. My Mom's morning flight (flying from MI to SC) was cancelled and rerouted through Chicago then delayed so she missed her connection & ended up in NC 14 hours later. She was picked up there by my foster parents & driven the rest of the way. What a blessing! My first flight was cancelled and then the second flight as well. I ended up staying in a hotel airport and am now on a plane this morning instead. Yesterday was crazy... Today will be better!!

Its a beautiful day! I'm currently in NC waiting on my next flight to SC. Everyone is so friendly down here. Its refreshing! So many thoughts and feeling have been overwhelming me this past week but today everything seems still and peaceful. Thursday morning there were tears... tears of joy that this time has finally arrived... that for the first time in 29 years I will meet, see and touch people related to me by blood. I look forward to sharing photos and many stories, catching up on the past three decades and creating new memories. At the same time I have inevitable tears of sadness, knowing that Mona (birth mother) will not be there to see or touch. That realization is still as harsh, painful and fresh to me now as it was the day I first heard about her death.

I am thankful for this day, blessed to have this opportunity, encouraged by the love and support from family, friends and strangers. I am joyful and grateful for this feeling of peace today!

Travel Plans

Processing Ramona's death has came in strange waves and phases. My momentum to travel south to find and meet other relatives or get to know more about my background and history died with Mona.

I have been putting off making any plans to travel south for awhile. Not because I don't want to meet other blood relatives but because the one person I had been searching for will not be there to meet. I'm a pretty bold and daring person, not afraid to take risks or venture out into unknown territory usually. For some reason this journey has been such an emotional roller coaster in ways I could have never anticipated that I have recently felt the need to just stand still on the topic. Unfortunately for those in SC waiting to meet me the avoidance didn't seem fair. So two weeks ago I bought tickets to travel to SC with my Mom to stay with my wonderful foster family and meet my sister, niece and Mona's cousin who I've been in touch with. I have no idea what to expect but we'll take a bunch of pictures and update you all again soon! I have to admit that I'm anxious, nervous and only a little excited. Its slightly uncomfortable to meet people who have thoughts and memories of me that I was just too young to remember to or relate to. I think I'm more excited at this point to get it over with then to actually meet new people. I know that doesn't sound great but its honestly how I feel at the moment. I am however so grateful and excited that my Mom is coming with me! Having her along gives me more peace of mind, a sense of security and comfort!

Blood

Lots to share... Lots to be thankful for...

The letter, memorial program and photos were sent from my half sister who I've been in touch with  the past few months. I'll write more soon but wanted to share just this for now.

July 2012 - Life and Death

This was a month of life changing, monumental and overwhelming experiences. On Sunday, July 8th I spoke to Mona (my birth mother) for the first time. Once she realized it was me on the phone she told me everything in the first 20 seconds of the call that I think she had wanted to say for the past 29 years starting with "I love you. I love you. I love you. I'm so glad you found me. I'm so glad you don't resent me. I always wondered if you would look for me and hoped you would. I'm glad you're ok and that no one had hurt you. I'm glad you have a good family..." She talked and I silently let my tears fall as my friend Tiffany sat next to me on my living room floor. I barely got a word in the entire call. Mona talks so fast... so much faster then me if  you can imagine. She mumbles a little and repeats words and phrases. She was so excited to talk to me and a little nervous. I felt similar. She mentioned not being able to wait until the end of the summer to meet me (as I was planning to fly down with my Mom Labor Day weekend) because that was just too far away. She told me a lot of information like she was catching me up on her whole life. I listened and took notes, trying to keep up. During the 15 minute call she had gotten into a car and was being driven to get a check cashed so there was a lot going on and she asked if I could call back later. About 45 minutes later I called back and got her voice mail in which I told her (kind of happy that it was my turn to talk) it was so great to hear her voice and I would call her that Wednesday for her birthday.

Wednesday morning, July 11th I went to the hospital with my client/friend as her breathing coach/trainer as she went into labor to have her second son. I was so honored to be present and even asked by the doctor to assist her a little in this delivery. My client was amazing and seeing her son enter the world and take his first breath was a miraculous moment. I felt so connect to my client and her new son. It got me thinking about Mona and how much she had gone through to carry me, birth me and let me go. I was so grateful! I called Mona that evening to wish her happy birthday but her phone was disconnected.

Over the next couple weeks I called again a few times, eager to set a time to meet and talk to her again. Her phone seemed to be reconnected because it went to voice mail so I left some messages. After weeks of not hearing back my mom randomly googled Mona's name and was shocked to find that she had been murdered in her home just a day or two after I had spoke with her. I found that out today (Aug 8, 2012 at 11pm)... I'm shocked and still processing. I am feeling so many things right now as I reflect on the past 33 days and can only say at this moment a few things very clearly... I'm so glad I at least received her hand written letter and a chance to speak with her. Although I will never meet her in person in this life I am so blessed by the fact that we did connect. I am forever grateful for that.

I have a half sister I will reach out to tomorrow... the journey doesn't end here!

Touched by Her Words

Wow, there's so much to take in! I'm taking my time processing the letter I received Friday and blessed to have this outlet as a chance to share these thoughts with you all.

I'm touched by her words. Humbled by amount of unexplained emotions I'm experiencing over this 28 year distance from someone who has clearly loved me my whole life... Grateful for these moments already written in time... The pieces of a very intricate puzzle I can see all coming together to so beautifully... a true example of God's grace!