Mail Call!

Knowing that a letter was on its way I anxiously waited all week for it to arrive. Today I went as far as standing outside of the mail truck today waiting for the guy to come out with the mail, hoping that there was a letter there for me.... there was! A four page, hand written letter filled with smiley heart faces and I love you! It was yet another overwhelming part of this exciting journey as I analyzed the every detail of the letter, reading it over and over as I tried to take in all that she must have been feeling as she wrote to me. Twice she mentioned how thankful she was that I didn't resent her decision to give me up for adoption. She also told me that she took ballet and tap as a child and loved to dance, sing and swim. Apparently artistic talents run in my blood as I found out my Grandmother was also a dancer and vocalist and my sister (only two years older) is into photography and art. It fun to know these things!

The next two steps in this journey will be monumental... one being the process of arranging a time to meet which I'll probably have to do by calling her. I didn't really want our first interaction to be over the phone but continuing to go through a third party while arranging dates, times and location is as helpful as its been thus far, is getting to be a little much. Then step two which is actually meeting which I'm most excited about. I plan to try and speed up this process just a little by contacting the intermediary over the weekend to let her know of my plans in proceeding, having her tell my birth mom that I received her letter and will be getting in touch soon, coordinating schedules and searching for flights.

I am so grateful for all the love and support I've been getting along the way from my friends, family and a handful of people who I don't even know. My story is just one of so many and I'd love to continue to hear from you all. Feel free to share your stories, ask questions and make comments. I hope to have some pictures to add to this blog one we all meet! I'm so excited.

I am very blessed!

(happy tear)

Hello! My name is...

I finally had time to sit down and write the letter I had been thinking about ever since she called. This past month has been so crazy that i haven't had time to sit, let alone write something non work related. I didn't want to feel like I was just checking something off my to-do-list but actually feel inspired to write even if it was going to be very plain and simple. So i wrote:

Dear Mrs. H******,

I must start by saying Thank You… Thank you for giving me life and trusting that by giving me up you were gifting me with endless opportunities for greatness. I’ve grown up in a Christian home with two amazing parents who have been married now for over 35 years and two younger siblings who were also adopted. I spent most of my life dancing (ballet and modern mainly) and now own a business in the fitness industry. There’s so much to tell but I’d rather tell you in person. The most important things for you to know for right now are that I’m healthy, have a blessed life and most of all am grateful that I found you and so excited that you want to get to know me!

I would love to take a weekend towards the end of this summer to come down to SC and meet in person if you are comfortable with that. I prefer to meet in person first over speaking on the phone because I want to get the most out of this unique experience. Please let me know of some weekends in August or Sept that are best for you. I would like to continue to use S*******, the intermediary from Bethany Christian Services to help us connect and coordinate a time and place to meet. Please contact S*******, who you’ve already been in touch with to let her know when you receive this letter. I have included a recent picture of me. I look forward to hearing from you and meeting you soon!

Sincerely,

Kendra

“Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be” Psalms 139:16

I included a few pictures of me over the years and mailed it off to Bethany Christian Services today. In the process of writing this letter on Friday it turned out that my birth mother called the intermediary to see if she had heard from me and to let me know she loved me. I was grateful to hear that she's waiting to hear from me and more grateful to hear a "tell her I love her" from her even if it was through a third party. I was very overwhelmed and quickly started wondering what she must be thinking as she waits to hear from me.

SHE CALLED...

SHE CALLED!!! Friday morning I got a call from the Intermediary who said she had just gotten off the phone with my birth mother. I was so shocked and listened very carefully to every word. My birth mother told the Intermediary person that she was very excited when she got the certified letter, convinced that it was me who was looking for her. She first called her daughter (who's two years older then I am) saying "I think your sister is looking for me". Then she went on to say that she has thought about me for years, wondered what I looked like, how I turned out, that she thought about looking for me but didn't because she didn't know how to go about it and thought that I might resent her. I don't resent her at all... I'm so grateful for the life I've lived and the choice she made to give me life. I was in tears listening to the Intermediary tell me about her conversation. My birth mother asked if I would be interested in meeting and having a relationship with her and my half sister. The Intermediary asked me how I wish to proceed. I was still in shock at that point and told her I would have to take some time to take all this information in before I could make any clear decisions. I was overwhelmed with excitement. I was flooded with new feelings, questions, thoughts, emotions but mostly I'm relieved! I'm just so grateful and relieved that she wants to meet me!

Intermediary Connections

It has been awhile since I've posted anything new so its time for an update because a ton has happened in just the past 48 hours or so. Let me start with a couple months back when I reach out to my adoption agency to get their advice on how to proceed in this search... I let them know that I had phone numbers, addresses, even a picture and sent them the link to this blog so that they could know what I knew. I was stuck because I wanted to respect my birth mother and approach her in a way that wouldn't be too much of a surprise or feel like an invasion. I wanted to be sure she wanted to be found after all these years. My adoption agency connected me with someone who would serve as a third party in helping me connect with my birth mother. They sent the generic letter below to her last known address (some of the information has been hidden).

Dear Mrs. H,

Bethany Christian Services is a non-profit social services agency.  I am a Confidential Intermediary with Bethany and have been requested to conduct a search for a person by the name of Ramona H. whose birth date is July 11, 1953 and who had contact with our agency in 1982/1983.

If this information pertains to you, I would greatly appreciate the opportunity to speak with you.  If this information does not pertain to you, I would appreciate knowing this as well.  I can be reached at the information below and at the address on this letterhead.  If you receive my voicemail, please leave your name, number and the time at which it is best to reach you.  Thank you and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

BETHANY CHRISTIAN SERVICES

Confidential Intermediary/C.A.R.E.S. Program

Weeks went by with no reply. They then resent the same letter as a certified letter about a week and a half ago and my birth mother called!

Does She Think of Me on Sept 13?

Lately I've been thinking about what my next move should be. I'm open to suggestions... I know for sure that I want to meet my birth mother but I want to go about it with in the right way. Is there a right way? I do I reach out or connect with her in a way that doesn't feel caught off guard. I want to know if she wants to meet me. I was thinking that finding my half sister could give me better insight as to how to best reach out to my birth mom. Plus I think that she might be an interesting person to meet. It looks like I might have to plan a trip to South Carolina in the near future!

Today is my birthday and for the first time that I can remember I'm wondering if she thought of me today. I wonder if she thinks of me every year on Sept 13. I feel like the thought or feeling would be unavoidable for her on some level. Hopefully someday I'll find out!

A picture is worth a thousand words...

I know that a lot of you have been on the edge of your seats wondering if I'm going to post the picture of my birth mother. Many people have been reaching out to me directly to find out how i felt about seeing her face for the first time. I've been taking a very long time to process my thoughts about this since there are just too many thoughts to process. As far as I know I have never laid eyes on someone related to me by blood until I saw this picture a few weeks ago. Never, until now have I been able to truly analyze my features and compare them to that of the woman who gave me life. It was a lot to take in.

At first glace I thought "she doesn't look anything like me". I was immediately disappointed because I wanted to look unmistakably like her rather then resemble the man who raped her. I took a picture of myself using my web cam and cropped it to lay next to hers. Only then did i start to see the similarities. Same brow line, cheek bones, bottom lip, complexion and overall shape of the face but different hair texture and very different eyes. There has always been two main things I've struggled with liking about myself throughout my life. Funny enough, without actually knowing who to blame these "flaws" on I always chose to blame them on him not her... My hair type and overall body frame seems to be his. i always wanted the long hair and ballerina body and ended up with crazy hair and a bodybuilders body instead. Now, after 28 years I know where that came from. I also now understand why she (as stated in my adoption report) had a hard time cuddling me ... I probably reminded her too much of him.

After a lot of thought and careful consideration I've chosen not to post the picture for her privacy since its not really public record. Even though its a mug shot photo and she clearly looks aged most likely due to her life experiences she's stunning!

I think the next step is going to be to search for my half sister. Although I have no name or information on her I think that finding her first might be a better way to eventually approach my birth mother or at least find out even more about her. Even though I have a name, recent address and current photo of my birth mother I don't want to catch her off guard. If I find out that she doesn't want to meet me when it comes down to it, I'll respect that choice. I hope that she wants to meet me since all i really want to say is "thank you for life".

Needed a moment...

I had taken a break from searching for a little while to focus on other things going on in my life and had lost momentum due to the loss of a close friend (no death, just a loss)... UNTIL this morning when my Mom called me to tell me that she had just got off the phone with my Foster Mother, who found (through a friend of hers) a photo of my birth mother. I was shocked! My heart started racing as I stopped to process the news. Seeing a picture would answer so many questions for me about her and about myself. The link to the picture is in my email inbox waiting to be opened. I needed to blog first and let you all know about my anxious thoughts before opening that email and looking up that link. I've always wondered if i looked like her... I often (maybe even a few times a month depending how much I'm out in public) get the question "What are you?" referring to my nationality... or the statement "You look just like (someone they know or usually its Alicia Keys)... What are you mixed with?" ... I awkwardly reply "Well, I'm adopted so I don't know anything more then that I'm African American. They then almost always give me a sideways look and say "Really? You've got to be mixed with something else too". People are funny! These days it seems that we're all mixed with something :) Sometimes I tend to check the "Other" box when I fill out forms just to mix it up a little. Seeing this picture won't necessarily give me any answers to those peoples questions but it will let me know who's eyes I have, who's build or body structure, who's nose or hair.... Those are the things I'm curious about.