Lately I've been thinking about what my next move should be. I'm open to suggestions... I know for sure that I want to meet my birth mother but I want to go about it with in the right way. Is there a right way? I do I reach out or connect with her in a way that doesn't feel caught off guard. I want to know if she wants to meet me. I was thinking that finding my half sister could give me better insight as to how to best reach out to my birth mom. Plus I think that she might be an interesting person to meet. It looks like I might have to plan a trip to South Carolina in the near future!
Today is my birthday and for the first time that I can remember I'm wondering if she thought of me today. I wonder if she thinks of me every year on Sept 13. I feel like the thought or feeling would be unavoidable for her on some level. Hopefully someday I'll find out!
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
A picture is worth a thousand words...
I know that a lot of you have been on the edge of your seats wondering if I'm going to post the picture of my birth mother. Many people have been reaching out to me directly to find out how i felt about seeing her face for the first time. I've been taking a very long time to process my thoughts about this since there are just too many thoughts to process. As far as I know I have never laid eyes on someone related to me by blood until I saw this picture a few weeks ago. Never, until now have I been able to truly analyze my features and compare them to that of the woman who gave me life. It was a lot to take in.
At first glace I thought "she doesn't look anything like me". I was immediately disappointed because I wanted to look unmistakably like her rather then resemble the man who raped her. I took a picture of myself using my web cam and cropped it to lay next to hers. Only then did i start to see the similarities. Same brow line, cheek bones, bottom lip, complexion and overall shape of the face but different hair texture and very different eyes. There has always been two main things I've struggled with liking about myself throughout my life. Funny enough, without actually knowing who to blame these "flaws" on I always chose to blame them on him not her... My hair type and overall body frame seems to be his. i always wanted the long hair and ballerina body and ended up with crazy hair and a bodybuilders body instead. Now, after 28 years I know where that came from. I also now understand why she (as stated in my adoption report) had a hard time cuddling me ... I probably reminded her too much of him.
After a lot of thought and careful consideration I've chosen not to post the picture for her privacy since its not really public record. Even though its a mug shot photo and she clearly looks aged most likely due to her life experiences she's stunning!
I think the next step is going to be to search for my half sister. Although I have no name or information on her I think that finding her first might be a better way to eventually approach my birth mother or at least find out even more about her. Even though I have a name, recent address and current photo of my birth mother I don't want to catch her off guard. If I find out that she doesn't want to meet me when it comes down to it, I'll respect that choice. I hope that she wants to meet me since all i really want to say is "thank you for life".
At first glace I thought "she doesn't look anything like me". I was immediately disappointed because I wanted to look unmistakably like her rather then resemble the man who raped her. I took a picture of myself using my web cam and cropped it to lay next to hers. Only then did i start to see the similarities. Same brow line, cheek bones, bottom lip, complexion and overall shape of the face but different hair texture and very different eyes. There has always been two main things I've struggled with liking about myself throughout my life. Funny enough, without actually knowing who to blame these "flaws" on I always chose to blame them on him not her... My hair type and overall body frame seems to be his. i always wanted the long hair and ballerina body and ended up with crazy hair and a bodybuilders body instead. Now, after 28 years I know where that came from. I also now understand why she (as stated in my adoption report) had a hard time cuddling me ... I probably reminded her too much of him.
After a lot of thought and careful consideration I've chosen not to post the picture for her privacy since its not really public record. Even though its a mug shot photo and she clearly looks aged most likely due to her life experiences she's stunning!
I think the next step is going to be to search for my half sister. Although I have no name or information on her I think that finding her first might be a better way to eventually approach my birth mother or at least find out even more about her. Even though I have a name, recent address and current photo of my birth mother I don't want to catch her off guard. If I find out that she doesn't want to meet me when it comes down to it, I'll respect that choice. I hope that she wants to meet me since all i really want to say is "thank you for life".
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Needed a moment...
I had taken a break from searching for a little while to focus on other things going on in my life and had lost momentum due to the loss of a close friend (no death, just a loss)... UNTIL this morning when my Mom called me to tell me that she had just got off the phone with my Foster Mother, who found (through a friend of hers) a photo of my birth mother. I was shocked! My heart started racing as I stopped to process the news. Seeing a picture would answer so many questions for me about her and about myself. The link to the picture is in my email inbox waiting to be opened. I needed to blog first and let you all know about my anxious thoughts before opening that email and looking up that link. I've always wondered if i looked like her... I often (maybe even a few times a month depending how much I'm out in public) get the question "What are you?" referring to my nationality... or the statement "You look just like (someone they know or usually its Alicia Keys)... What are you mixed with?" ... I awkwardly reply "Well, I'm adopted so I don't know anything more then that I'm African American. They then almost always give me a sideways look and say "Really? You've got to be mixed with something else too". People are funny! These days it seems that we're all mixed with something :) Sometimes I tend to check the "Other" box when I fill out forms just to mix it up a little. Seeing this picture won't necessarily give me any answers to those peoples questions but it will let me know who's eyes I have, who's build or body structure, who's nose or hair.... Those are the things I'm curious about.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
The Unborn Baby Cries
The Unborn Baby Cries: Part I
Every time she cries, I cry. When she’s hurting, I feel her pain. We are both scared and unsure of what tomorrow might bring. The day he raped and beat her was the day I was conceived. Unwanted from the very beginning is hard for me to believe. Although she doesn’t want me we are connected in every way, bonded together by a force so deep that she could not push me away. I continue to grow inside her, getting bigger by the day. Although feeling very weak because she won’t eat everyday. Why are things so hard for her? Why can’t I understand what’s wrong? Why do I feel like I am not important to her? My love for her hasn’t changed; she’s the only thing I’ve ever known, why then do I feel so separated? I’m not sure what’s going on…
What’s the loud sound? Why is her heart beating so fast? The sound stopped, something hard bumped up against my feel. I wish I knew what was going on and why I feel so weak. That sound starts up again, only now it’s much closer. I feel a strong force and my little limbs begin to hurt. I’m not strong enough to get away, plus I have nowhere to go. All I can do now is scream and cry and remain unheard as I say goodbye.
The Unborn Baby Cries: Part II
Every time she cries, I cry. When she’s hurting, I feel her pain. We are both scared and unsure of what tomorrow might bring. The day he raped and beat her was the day I was conceived. Unwanted from the very beginning was hard for me to believe. Although she didn’t want me we are connected in every way, bonded together by a force so deep that she could not push me away. I continued to grow inside her, getting bigger by the day. Although feeling very weak because she wouldn’t eat everyday. Why are things so hard for her? Why can’t I understand what’s wrong? Why do I feel like I am not important to her? My love for her hasn’t changed; she’s the only thing I’ve ever known, why then do I feel so separated? I’m not sure what’s going on…
Will I live to see the outside world or will my life be taken away? We cry through nights together as this decision of life or death remains so vague. Until one day she cried out to God for help. He told her that He has a plan and that it is not time for my life to end. I was brought into this world on September 13, 1982, to share my gifts, testimony and the importance of life with you! “I give my all to God, for he spared my life”.
Inspired by Psalm 139:16
“Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”
Kendra Gail - Nicaragua 2000
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Overwhelming Amounts of Information
A few weeks back I received a three page adoption summary in the mail from my adoption agency. I had previously read a one page summary years ago that was given to my parents from the case worker when I was adopted however this recent summary I received was so much longer with more details then I had available to me before. I've been sitting on this information for weeks because it brought up thoughts and feeling I just wasn't ready for and needed some time to process before sharing it with the world. If you been reading my earlier post you are up to date so lets add to the list of facts:
The main things that I didn't know which really stood out to me was that I was her third child, that she was 125 lbs and that she couldn't cuddle me. I wonder if loosing her first child had a direct impact on her choices for the next two. I rock myself to sleep and have done so for as long as i can remember. I've been told that comes from not being held enough within the first year of my life so it was interesting to find out that she couldn't cuddle me. I can only imagine that it would be hard to cuddle a someone who reminds you of a horrible event or very hard phase in ones life. The fact that she was 125 lbs makes me think that I might not look a lot like her or maybe I just don't have her build because I'm NOT 125 and only have been once since maybe 5th grade.
When I was 17 I had moved to Nicaragua and was placed in a creative writing class at school. I was in a new country, didn't really speak the language and didn't know very many people. It was the first time in my life that I remember missing my birth mother. Of course I missed my whole family back in MI but it was a new feeling for me to miss someone i had no memory of. I reflected on what little information I knew about her at that time and wrote a poem called The Unborn Baby Cries. I wanted to tap into what a unborn child might be experiencing in the womb of a mother who was raped and trying to decide whether or not to give life to the fetus inside. I learned that an unborn baby can feel or experience love and neglect. I'd like to share that poem with you all in my next post!
- My birth mother was born on July 11, 1953
- She's 5'6 and weighed 125 lbs back in 1982
- She was married, separated and then recently divorced around the time I was born
- I was her third child. Her first died at 3 months and the second was raise by her mother
- Her religious background was that of the Church of God
- She was an only child who's Father died when she was two and was raised by her mother
- Received her GED and graduated from a nursing assistance program
- Involved in drugs after separating from her husband
- Didn't report the rape but stated that she was raped by a large black man
- She couldn't afford an abortion
- During the 5 months I lived with her she seemed to genuinely cared for me but could never cuddle me
- In March 1983 she officially released her parental rights
The main things that I didn't know which really stood out to me was that I was her third child, that she was 125 lbs and that she couldn't cuddle me. I wonder if loosing her first child had a direct impact on her choices for the next two. I rock myself to sleep and have done so for as long as i can remember. I've been told that comes from not being held enough within the first year of my life so it was interesting to find out that she couldn't cuddle me. I can only imagine that it would be hard to cuddle a someone who reminds you of a horrible event or very hard phase in ones life. The fact that she was 125 lbs makes me think that I might not look a lot like her or maybe I just don't have her build because I'm NOT 125 and only have been once since maybe 5th grade.
When I was 17 I had moved to Nicaragua and was placed in a creative writing class at school. I was in a new country, didn't really speak the language and didn't know very many people. It was the first time in my life that I remember missing my birth mother. Of course I missed my whole family back in MI but it was a new feeling for me to miss someone i had no memory of. I reflected on what little information I knew about her at that time and wrote a poem called The Unborn Baby Cries. I wanted to tap into what a unborn child might be experiencing in the womb of a mother who was raped and trying to decide whether or not to give life to the fetus inside. I learned that an unborn baby can feel or experience love and neglect. I'd like to share that poem with you all in my next post!
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
What a difference a name makes :)
Wow what a difference a name makes... Yesterday the post adoption specialist at the Grand Rapids branch of Bethany Christian Services Adoption Agency gave me whatever information they had in my file which was:
My birth mothers name: Ramona B. H.
My original name: Chanda Charesma H.
Last known city: Liberty, SC 1980's
They're also sending me a copy of my adoption summary which I had but lost. Excited about this new information, I immediately google searched her name and found nothing, did a public record search and found a lot: 11 addresses, one phone number, date of birth and criminal records to list the valuable things. After about two hours of online searching I called my best friend, my mom and then talked to my roommate before going to bed to process all this new information.
What am I going to do know with all this new information? I'm open to suggestions and creative ideas from you all! Today I plan to contact the Greenville, SC branch of the adoption agency to see if they have any useful information or tips on how to proceed. I want to somehow verify the information I received from the public records and see if there's a way to find picture of her. My mom informed me last night that when I was born there was a birth announcement listed in the local paper to give the birth father a chance to claim be before I was adopted and its probably archived somewhere in that towns local library. It would be interesting to have that. In the 90's she was arrested twice (once for receiving stolen goods and the other for prostitution) which would explain why the 11 addresses are listed as public record. I'm assuming that a parole officer or someone in that line of work would have to account for her whereabouts for a certain number of years. Finding out that she had a prostitution offence in 1990 was the only piece of information that shook me a little. I felt immediately concern for the lifestyle she had been living and maybe still is (hopefully not) and then extremely grateful that although it appears that she's made a series of poor choices in her life giving me up was not one of them!
Family and friends, I'm open to any advice you might have. Maybe some of you out there have gone through this already or know someone who has... Its helpful and encouraging for me to hear your stories. I'd love to know all that you know in regards to the post adoption process. For those of you who know me personally or are a direct part of my story please share your thoughts, memories and any useful information you might have to help me push forward in this search process. Thank you all for your love, support and in being apart of my journey!
My birth mothers name: Ramona B. H.
My original name: Chanda Charesma H.
Last known city: Liberty, SC 1980's
They're also sending me a copy of my adoption summary which I had but lost. Excited about this new information, I immediately google searched her name and found nothing, did a public record search and found a lot: 11 addresses, one phone number, date of birth and criminal records to list the valuable things. After about two hours of online searching I called my best friend, my mom and then talked to my roommate before going to bed to process all this new information.
What am I going to do know with all this new information? I'm open to suggestions and creative ideas from you all! Today I plan to contact the Greenville, SC branch of the adoption agency to see if they have any useful information or tips on how to proceed. I want to somehow verify the information I received from the public records and see if there's a way to find picture of her. My mom informed me last night that when I was born there was a birth announcement listed in the local paper to give the birth father a chance to claim be before I was adopted and its probably archived somewhere in that towns local library. It would be interesting to have that. In the 90's she was arrested twice (once for receiving stolen goods and the other for prostitution) which would explain why the 11 addresses are listed as public record. I'm assuming that a parole officer or someone in that line of work would have to account for her whereabouts for a certain number of years. Finding out that she had a prostitution offence in 1990 was the only piece of information that shook me a little. I felt immediately concern for the lifestyle she had been living and maybe still is (hopefully not) and then extremely grateful that although it appears that she's made a series of poor choices in her life giving me up was not one of them!
Family and friends, I'm open to any advice you might have. Maybe some of you out there have gone through this already or know someone who has... Its helpful and encouraging for me to hear your stories. I'd love to know all that you know in regards to the post adoption process. For those of you who know me personally or are a direct part of my story please share your thoughts, memories and any useful information you might have to help me push forward in this search process. Thank you all for your love, support and in being apart of my journey!
Monday, March 21, 2011
Its an empty file but at least there's no denial!
I filed a clearance request with the Central Adoption Registry in Lansing, MI in order to find out if either of my birth parents filed a consent or denial with the registry which they did not. Bethany Christian Services has informed me that since there is not a denial filed they can now release to me names and last know addresses of my birth parents. I called them today and will be getting that information over the phone tomorrow.
Let me catch you up on what I know so far:
Now that I'm getting names and addresses (current or not) its making this process more real. I know that I have a long way to go but having the "legal ok" is encouraging!
Let me catch you up on what I know so far:
- I was born in Greenville General Hospital on Sept. 13, 1982
- I was placed in a foster home as planned
- My birth mother took me back a couple months after for a short time but I ended up back foster care.
- The second foster family I was placed with (who are amazing people that I'm blessed to still be in touch with) I was with for 9 months before being adopted at 14 months old by David and Melanie Beelen
- I moved to Grand Rapids, MI which is where I spend the next 18 years
- In my pre-teen years I was allowed to read my adoption summary which informed me that my birth mom was raped, had a drug problem, was a dancer (not sure what type) and a previous daughter who was being raised by her mother.
Now that I'm getting names and addresses (current or not) its making this process more real. I know that I have a long way to go but having the "legal ok" is encouraging!
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