The Unborn Baby Cries

The Unborn Baby Cries: Part I

            Every time she cries, I cry. When she’s hurting, I feel her pain. We are both scared and unsure of what tomorrow might bring. The day he raped and beat her was the day I was conceived. Unwanted from the very beginning is hard for me to believe. Although she doesn’t want me we are connected in every way, bonded together by a force so deep that she could not push me away. I continue to grow inside her, getting bigger by the day. Although feeling very weak because she won’t eat everyday. Why are things so hard for her? Why can’t I understand what’s wrong? Why do I feel like I am not important to her? My love for her hasn’t changed; she’s the only thing I’ve ever known, why then do I feel so separated? I’m not sure what’s going on…

            What’s the loud sound? Why is her heart beating so fast? The sound stopped, something hard bumped up against my feel. I wish I knew what was going on and why I feel so weak. That sound starts up again, only now it’s much closer. I feel a strong force and my little limbs begin to hurt. I’m not strong enough to get away, plus I have nowhere to go. All I can do now is scream and cry and remain unheard as I say goodbye.

The Unborn Baby Cries: Part II

Every time she cries, I cry. When she’s hurting, I feel her pain. We are both scared and unsure of what tomorrow might bring. The day he raped and beat her was the day I was conceived. Unwanted from the very beginning was hard for me to believe. Although she didn’t want me we are connected in every way, bonded together by a force so deep that she could not push me away. I continued to grow inside her, getting bigger by the day. Although feeling very weak because she wouldn’t eat everyday. Why are things so hard for her? Why can’t I understand what’s wrong? Why do I feel like I am not important to her? My love for her hasn’t changed; she’s the only thing I’ve ever known, why then do I feel so separated? I’m not sure what’s going on…

            Will I live to see the outside world or will my life be taken away? We cry through nights together as this decision of life or death remains so vague. Until one day she cried out to God for help. He told her that He has a plan and that it is not time for my life to end. I was brought into this world on September 13, 1982, to share my gifts, testimony and the importance of life with you! “I give my all to God, for he spared my life”.

Inspired by Psalm 139:16

“Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”

Kendra Gail - Nicaragua 2000

Overwhelming Amounts of Information

A few weeks back I received a three page adoption summary in the mail from my adoption agency. I had previously read a one page summary years ago that was given to my parents from the case worker when I was adopted however this recent summary I received was so much longer with more details then I had available to me before. I've been sitting on this information for weeks because it brought up thoughts and feeling I just wasn't ready for and needed some time to process before sharing it with the world. If you been reading my earlier post you are up to date so lets add to the list of facts:

• My birth mother was born on July 11, 1953
• She's 5'6 and weighed 125 lbs back in 1982
• She was married, separated and then recently divorced around the time I was born
• I was her third child. Her first died at 3 months and the second was raise by her mother
• Her religious background was that of the Church of God
• She was an only child who's Father died when she was two and was raised by her mother
• Received her GED and graduated from a nursing assistance program
• Involved in drugs after separating from her husband
• Didn't report the rape but stated that she was raped by a large black man
• She couldn't afford an abortion
• During the 5 months I lived with her she seemed to genuinely cared for me but could never cuddle me
• In March 1983 she officially released her parental rights

To some these details might not seem like much but to me it was a lot to take in. It gave me some insight to her life before 1982.

The main things that I didn't know which really stood out to me was that I was her third child, that she was 125 lbs and that she couldn't cuddle me. I wonder if loosing her first child had a direct impact on her choices for the next two. I rock myself to sleep and have done so for as long as i can remember. I've been told that comes from not being held enough within the first year of my life so it was interesting to find out that she couldn't cuddle me. I can only imagine that it would be hard to cuddle a someone who reminds you of a horrible event or very hard phase in ones life. The fact that she was 125 lbs makes me think that I might not look a lot like her or maybe I just don't have her build because I'm NOT 125 and only have been once since maybe 5th grade.

When I was 17 I had moved to Nicaragua and was placed in a creative writing class at school. I was in a new country, didn't really speak the language and didn't know very many people. It was the first time in my life that I remember missing my birth mother. Of course I missed my whole family back in MI but it was a new feeling for me to miss someone i had no memory of. I reflected on what little information I knew about her at that time and wrote a poem called The Unborn Baby Cries. I wanted to tap into what a unborn child might be experiencing in the womb of a mother who was raped and trying to decide whether or not to give life to the fetus inside. I learned that an unborn baby can feel or experience love and neglect. I'd like to share that poem with you all in my next post!

What a difference a name makes :)

Wow what a difference a name makes... Yesterday the post adoption specialist at the Grand Rapids branch of Bethany Christian Services Adoption Agency gave me whatever information they had in my file which was:
My birth mothers name: Ramona B. H.
My original name: Chanda Charesma H.
Last known city: Liberty, SC 1980's
They're also sending me a copy of my adoption summary which I had but lost. Excited about this new information, I immediately google searched her name and found nothing, did a public record search and found a lot: 11 addresses, one phone number, date of birth and criminal records to list the valuable things. After about two hours of online searching I called my best friend, my mom and then talked to my roommate before going to bed to process all this new information.

What am I going to do know with all this new information? I'm open to suggestions and creative ideas from you all! Today I plan to contact the Greenville, SC branch of the adoption agency to see if they have any useful information or tips on how to proceed. I want to somehow verify the information I received from the public records and see if there's a way to find picture of her. My mom informed me last night that when I was born there was a birth announcement listed in the local paper to give the birth father a chance to claim be before I was adopted and its probably archived somewhere in that towns local library. It would be interesting to have that. In the 90's she was arrested twice (once for receiving stolen goods and the other for prostitution) which would explain why the 11 addresses are listed as public record. I'm assuming that a parole officer or someone in that line of work would have to account for her whereabouts for a certain number of years. Finding out that she had a prostitution offence in 1990 was the only piece of information that shook me a little. I felt immediately concern for the lifestyle she had been living and maybe still is (hopefully not) and then extremely grateful that although it appears that she's made a series of poor choices in her life giving me up was not one of them!

Family and friends, I'm open to any advice you might have. Maybe some of you out there have gone through this already or know someone who has... Its helpful and encouraging for me to hear your stories. I'd love to know all that you know in regards to the post adoption process. For those of you who know me personally or are a direct part of my story please share your thoughts, memories and any useful information you might have to help me push forward in this search process. Thank you all for your love, support and in being apart of my journey!

Its an empty file but at least there's no denial!

I filed a clearance request with the Central Adoption Registry in Lansing, MI in order to find out if either of my birth parents filed a consent or denial with the registry which they did not. Bethany Christian Services has informed me that since there is not a denial filed they can now release to me names and last know addresses of my birth parents. I called them today and will be getting that information over the phone tomorrow.

Let me catch you up on what I know so far:

• I was born in Greenville General Hospital on Sept. 13, 1982
• I was placed in a foster home as planned
• My birth mother took me back a couple months after for a short time but I ended up back foster care.
• The second foster family I was placed with (who are amazing people that I'm blessed to still be in touch with) I was with for 9 months before being adopted at 14 months old by David and Melanie Beelen
• I moved to Grand Rapids, MI which is where I spend the next 18 years
• In my pre-teen years I was allowed to read my adoption summary which informed me that my birth mom was raped, had a drug problem, was a dancer (not sure what type) and a previous daughter who was being raised by her mother.

There's a lot more to the story of course but I just wanted to give you a quick run-through. Adoption has always been an open topic in my family being that myself and my two siblings are adopted. We were always taught to be proud of who we are which has become easier as I've gotten older. I've been extremely blessed with the family I was adopted into.

Now that I'm getting names and addresses (current or not) its making this process more real. I know that I have a long way to go but having the "legal ok" is encouraging!

The Waiting Game...

The paperwork was mailed weeks ago and I'm just waiting to see if there's any useful information in my file that will help me find my birth mother. While I wait I've been searching online, reaching out to anyone that may know more then I do, looking for original hospital records and sorting through my own feelings and questions. My main question is "does she want to be found?" and if she doesn't want to be found would that stop me from looking in the hopes that she might feel different now that its 28 years later. I'm not looking to catch up on the past 28 years, invade her current life or even create an ongoing relationship if its not wanted. I just want to thank her and get some medical history if possible. I am curious to know if we look alike, have some similar behaviors or movement patterns. Its interesting that although I've always been grateful for her I've never thought to pray for her... never really cared whether or not she's healthy, safe, alive or even just ok until now. Lately I find myself consumed with thoughts of her, wondering about things that have never crossed my mind before. The more scenarios I come up with about who she might be or how she could be living her life the more thankful I am for being adopted into such an amazing home and being raised by two parents who love me abundantly!

It should be only another week or two before I should hear back about the closed file and whether or not there's anything inside. Until then I productively wait. Stay tuned for a full yet breif report of my history :)

The time is now... let the search begin!

I’m beginning the search for my birth mother. I’ve been giving this process a lot of thought… 28 years of thought actually. When I was 17 years old I decided that I would wait until a specific time in my life to start this search. The support, love and understanding from my family and friends has always been there. I've waited until now because I wanted to be ready... ready financially and emotionally, ready to share this journey with others, ready to find any medical history that may be helpful in planning my future as I look forward to building a family. I want to thank her for choosing to give me life and even ready for possible disappointment that once I open my file there may be nothing in or once I find my her she may not even be alive or is but doesn't want to meet me. There's a lot to think about...

I will be mailing in the paperwork this coming week that I requested from Bethany Christian Services two weeks ago. The forms consist of a release form, an identification form and a privacy form to open the adoption file that's been closed for the past 28 years. I'm a little nervous, anxious and excited. The best thing is that if I search and find nothing its ok because I've been so blessed with amazing family, friends and a very full life. If I search and find her I hope that thanking her for giving me life will be my chance to be a blessing to her. 

I plan to update this blog weekly and hope that in sharing my story this opens the doors for others to feel comfortable enough to share their stories, ask questions, give advice and learn from each others adoption related experiences.