This was a month of life changing, monumental and overwhelming experiences. On Sunday, July 8th I spoke to Mona (my birth mother) for the first time. Once she realized it was me on the phone she told me everything in the first 20 seconds of the call that I think she had wanted to say for the past 29 years starting with "I love you. I love you. I love you. I'm so glad you found me. I'm so glad you don't resent me. I always wondered if you would look for me and hoped you would. I'm glad you're ok and that no one had hurt you. I'm glad you have a good family..." She talked and I silently let my tears fall as my friend Tiffany sat next to me on my living room floor. I barely got a word in the entire call. Mona talks so fast... so much faster then me if you can imagine. She mumbles a little and repeats words and phrases. She was so excited to talk to me and a little nervous. I felt similar. She mentioned not being able to wait until the end of the summer to meet me (as I was planning to fly down with my Mom Labor Day weekend) because that was just too far away. She told me a lot of information like she was catching me up on her whole life. I listened and took notes, trying to keep up. During the 15 minute call she had gotten into a car and was being driven to get a check cashed so there was a lot going on and she asked if I could call back later. About 45 minutes later I called back and got her voice mail in which I told her (kind of happy that it was my turn to talk) it was so great to hear her voice and I would call her that Wednesday for her birthday.
Wednesday morning, July 11th I went to the hospital with my client/friend as her breathing coach/trainer as she went into labor to have her second son. I was so honored to be present and even asked by the doctor to assist her a little in this delivery. My client was amazing and seeing her son enter the world and take his first breath was a miraculous moment. I felt so connect to my client and her new son. It got me thinking about Mona and how much she had gone through to carry me, birth me and let me go. I was so grateful! I called Mona that evening to wish her happy birthday but her phone was disconnected.
Over the next couple weeks I called again a few times, eager to set a time to meet and talk to her again. Her phone seemed to be reconnected because it went to voice mail so I left some messages. After weeks of not hearing back my mom randomly googled Mona's name and was shocked to find that she had been murdered in her home just a day or two after I had spoke with her. I found that out today (Aug 8, 2012 at 11pm)... I'm shocked and still processing. I am feeling so many things right now as I reflect on the past 33 days and can only say at this moment a few things very clearly... I'm so glad I at least received her hand written letter and a chance to speak with her. Although I will never meet her in person in this life I am so blessed by the fact that we did connect. I am forever grateful for that.
I have a half sister I will reach out to tomorrow... the journey doesn't end here!
all i can say is that your amazing
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Deleteyou are amazing kendra. in such a short time (matter of hours) you have placed a context to this tragedy. i know there is much much more to discover, but when i think about your first entry on this blog and the story that is unfolding, i can not help but think of how much your telling of this is a story of hope. hope is not a flippant expression, it is deep. hope comes through in knowing her voice, smiling at her heart shaped smiley faces. hope comes from the sequences of events from Sunday's phone call and tears, to Wednesday's live birth and tears, to having such things happen on Mona's actual day of birth and not even knowing that she was no longer on this earth. hope comes from knowing this isn't the end. there will be a REAL reunion where there will be no more tears from pain, but holy tears that come from grace. i love you so so so very much and even though i have never met Mona, her choices have given you to us and for that my heart is overwhelmed with both joy and sorrow. the sweet intersection of hope of things not yet seen and living on this side of heaven. may sweet peace fill your soul tonight.
ReplyDeleteWow, Kendra. Thanks for sharing this. You and both your families are in my prayers today.
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ReplyDeleteKendra, I sit typing these words, stunned. As I began reading your blog entry...the first I've seen, I was sharing in your wonder and excitement, and your anticipation. My heart goes out to you, I can in no way understand the depth of grief you must be experiencing, even though you end your entry on such a wonderfully positive note.
ReplyDeleteI will be holding you in my heart and prayers in the days ahead. I will also begin following this blog.
Dorwin
I am so, so sorry. And so, so grateful that you were able to connect. I am searching for words, but I think that anything else I could find to say would be trite right now...
ReplyDeleteI'm so, so sorry...and so grateful that you were able to connect with her. There are no words here, but try to hold on to the fact that you gave your birthmother a gift--that when she died, she had your forgiveness and acceptance welling up in her heart.
ReplyDeleteKendra - I found this blog by your parents facebook page, and I'm glad I did. I've been following your posts and praying for you. I have no words at this time, only tears for you. I know you all just got back from a family vacation, but I wish with all my might that you and your family could connect right now and hug each other all night long. I will continue to keep you and your Beelen family in my prayers, and your half sister - God knows who she is.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Marti Birdsall
member at Madison.
Oh, Kendra...I'm so sorry. What a gift you have given your birthmom...that she had a chance to hear your voice and feel your acceptance of her before she died...but I realize that there is still much to mourn here...praying for you.
ReplyDeleteFor the journey ahead, may your heart be able to protect the beauty of moments and letters shared. What a gut wrenching story, thank you for sharing it. Prayers and Thoughts.
ReplyDeleteOh, Kendra, I too am stunned. I'm glad that you were able to hear her heart in that phone conversation, but so sad that you will not be able to meet in this life. I pray that you will be able to develop a good relationship with your half sister. You & yours are in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteTheresa Postma
Steve (Haarman) and I have had you in our prayers daily and know God's angels brushed time forward so that you could have that one meaningful conversation (or listening) with Mona at such a crucial time. Steve showed this to me and all I could do was sit here with mouth falling open and think stunned which is what all feel reading through their comments. Thought you and I have met only briefly, you are so much a part of your family's life I feel I know you better than those brief minutes would indicate. So I hope that applies to your brief encounter with Mona which seems so joyful for her, your gift of life to her during her final time of life. May you find comfort in the many good words of friends, your family, your faith. God is good~~ all the time: it took me 22 months to choke out those words spoken during my downstate worship after a devastating death.
ReplyDeleteListen to the voices that reassure that although
life is short, love is long. ~Vicki Hill
Dear Kendra,
ReplyDeleteI began excitedly reading your blog about five hours ago and I am still unable to find words to express the depth of the pain and sorrow that pierced my heart when I read the words "that she had been murdered in her home..." Everything in me came to a screeching halt and tears flowed like a river and I cried out "Oh God, please touch this beautiful woman, who I remember as such a sweet and innocent child, with tangible evidence of your loving care for her. If I have been so gripped by this news as to be rendered utterly dumbfounded, I cannot imagine what Kendra must be experiencing. Please touch her, Lord!"
My thoughts and my prayers are and will be with you. I don't know if you remember my daughter, Harmony (Geeting) Robinson from your younger days at Madison Square, but I will be seeing her in Kentucky on Monday and I know when I share this with her that her heart will break for you as well.
I will also pray that you can connect with your half sister and that together you can share in the life of your birth mother, though you did not meet her in this life, and in the hope of being united in the life to come.
Forgive me if I am going on too long, but I was impressed with the thought of sharing the following "Prayer of Adoration" that we use at The Hermitage. I hope it is meaningful to you in some comforting way.
Heaven is here, and earth,
and the space is thin between them.
Distance may divide,
but Christ's promise unites
those bounded by time,
those blessed by eternity.
Let heaven be glad;
LET THE WHOLE EARTH CRY GLORY.
Heaven is here, and earth,
and the Church above and below is one.
Peter is here, and Paul,
Martha and all the Marys;
the saints from far back
and those who left us not long ago.
And only sight prevents us from seeing them,
one with us on the other side.
Let heaven be glad;
LET THE WHOLE EARTH CRY GLORY.
Heaven is here, and earth
and the God who made them is present.
The Lamb, glorious on the throne,
sits beside us;
the Spirit of God, the Dove,
makes her resting place among us.
God inhales the breath of our prayers
and spreads a table for our satisfaction.
Let heaven be glad;
LET THE WHOLE EARTH CRY GLORY.
Blessing and honor and glory and power
be to God for ever and ever.
AMEN.
May the Lord bless and keep you, Kendra.
Gayle Johnson
Dear Kendra,
ReplyDeleteYou live your life, you do what you do, you made the journey and reached your embraceable moment. A huge weight has been lifted off you and replaced by an inner peace that only you can know. Saint Paul exhorts, "Rejoice! Be perfect. Admonish or encourage one another. Have the same mind and attitude. Live in peace and the God of love and peace will be with you." I send love and pray that you find peace.
Steve Haarman
Dear Kendra,
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this heartbreaking news. May our gracious heavenly Father hold you through all the conflicting emotions, and whatever comes next.
Grace, mercy and peace be poured over you,
Julia Smith
You are an amazingly strong woman. Your story brought tears to my eyes. You have a light that shines so bright Kendra, don't ever let that fuse burn out. May God continue to bless you.
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